Life seemed to stop for me this past year. Things happened and I guess I gave up for a while. I found out that nightmares can be real and bad things happen to good people. On top of everything else, Brian was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder and that has thrown our lives into chaos. I retreated from everything that was familiar to me. I stopped scrapbooking and making art and left the life I knew. I found a knew online life and though I have no intention of giving it up I want to find my old self again. However, I don't want to find the old Lynn of a year ago. Instead I want to find the old Lynn of twenty years ago. I know that woman, who still had fire in her eyes does exist...I don't know where she is but I'm on a journey to find myself again. I kind of miss her. It's going to take a while to get her back but I'm not going to give up. I hate my life. Simple as that. I know that deep down, the things that have made me what and who I am have not been my fault but I feel like I'm drowning and it's time to come up for some air.
I used to love to blog and haven't done so in a very long time. I'm thinking about starting a new blog and documenting my journey. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I'm not quite sure how I am going to go about all the things I want to do. Mmmm, need to do some thinking :)
My heart wants to start scrapbooking again but in reality, I walk into my "studio" and feel nothing. I don't know how I'm going to get around that one.
I have a story...such a story. I want to write it all out if for no other reason than for myself. I think I need to look back and realise that what my family and I have come through is amazing and a testament to our intense love. I'm just not sure if I want to write it privately or in the form of a blog. Maybe my experiences will help others? Maybe not? Yes, like I said above, I need to do some thinking.
For now though, I want to wish all my friends a happy and blessed Christmas. I know I haven't kept in touch with so many of you but know this, you have never left my heart. I love you all so very much. We have been through so much together and next year I will be back in contact with you all.
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8 comments:
hi lynn :)
so much of what you said resonated with me, yet in my family *I*'m the one with the problem (PTSD and anxiety and goodness knows what else). i mourn the loss of 'me' every day and the hardest thing for me is the acceptance that "i" might never return :(
i also struggle to feel even slightly creative even when i do want to scrapbook, it's like i lost my creative bone when i lost my mind...
hope you and brian can find your way forward
take care
kxxx
Good luck with your journey Lynn. And I hope your family has a very merry Christmas and a prosperous new year! :hug:
you know it's always hard to deal with the curve balls that are thrown at us. But keep your faith at the top of the list always and you will reap your blessings. I'll pray for your family as you work on coming to terms with Brian's illness and you as well on your journey to find yourself once again. I love ya!
All the best mate. If you ever need an ear just email me. I think of you often.
"When you are in doubt, be still and wait.
so long as the mists envelope you, be still.
Be still until the sunlight pours through and dispels the mists-as it surely will.
Then act with courage."
White Eagle Native American.
Hugs, Dawn
Hey Lynn, I'm so sorry to hear that it's been a very tough year for you and your family. Keep that chin up and enjoy the journey to finding "you" again.
I'm sure it will be a journey of ups and downs with many exciting paths - just sit back and enjoy :)
Hi Lynn, glad to see that you are setting directions for youself, regardless of how long they will take to complete. Remember a journey starts with only one step, whether it be large or small. Keep the Faith and it will happen. Thinking of you,
MerryAnne
Hi Lynn
Keep strong....it is amazing what you have already come through :)Think of you all the time, but time just gets away from me.
Take care, love to Brian and Jade (what a beautiful young woman she has grown into)
Love Sandy xx
All my best to you in your journey! I think of you often and hope you can feel some positive strength coming your way. Please continue to share. Love, pez
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